Dear Living Reader,
Due to overcrowding, we members of the Purgatory Administration Council put out a call earlier this year to find temporary earthly housing for some of the newly deceased who await their eternal reward. We were stunned to receive over 2 million suggestions made by a number of the living who felt that they knew of perfect earthly places in which the souls of the faithfully departed can undertake temporal punishment.
In order to narrow the list down, we put together a core team of deceased Church officials and administrative angels who came up with a list of criteria to which the winning spaces would have to adhere. These included items like “noticeably uncomfortable temperature (hot or cold)” and “general monotony,” to name a few.
Although we could not choose all 2 million submissions, we thank everyone who put in the time to offer their 2 cents on places that they find to be generally grating.
Below, we have listed our top choices for Temporary Purgatory (Earthly Realm) as well as a short description and explanation of our choice. As a bonus, we’ve tacked on an example of a sin that might be expiated in the location.
1. The women’s restroom on the bottom floor of the Caf. This submission came from Franciscan University student Maevins Barry, who described this location as “mysteriously and uncomfortably warm.” This may sound rather tame, but as our location scouts quickly found, the levels of discomfort are so immediately noticeable as to make a person wonder whether all of the heating has been redirected away from the Finnegan Fieldhouse and piped straight into this otherwise unassuming restroom. Perfect for sins of sloth.
2. The line right outside the Caf following the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass. There’s no real way to describe why this is as frustrating as it is. You have just received the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist, and somehow you forget about it the second you turn the corner around the J.C. Williams Center and see a line that stretches nearly as far as the edge of the Rosary Circle. How, you might ask, would we go about organizing this incredibly particular time-specific event into an ongoing temporal punishment? Oh, sorry. I forgot you were still bound by the laws of time and space and can’t conceive of anything else. Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure it out. Perfect for sins of gluttony.
3. The J.C. Williams Center (Franciscan University). We realize that this one sounds somewhat broad, but we’ve devised a specific means of purgatorial punishment just for this location. The soul in question will be tasked with finding a table at which to sit — literally any table on any floor. And, if they somehow manage to do so within their 10,000 years of punishment, they will be given materials to study for a midterm without the aid of headphones. All of this will take place in the hours between 12-3 p.m., or, in special cases, during the Great Cupertino’s Rush of 11 a.m. Perfect for sins of wrath.
Once again, the Purgatory Administration Council would like to thank you for your submissions. These choices were not made with any bias, it just happened to be more convenient to center all temporary purgatorial areas around one location.
To the students and faculty of Franciscan University, we trust that our selections will not impact your daily business in any way. All souls will be under direct supervision at all times and will go generally unnoticed. However, if any student selecting a table at the J.C. Williams Center hears a faint groaning sound as they sit, we ask that you simply pray a decade of the rosary for the poor soul that you have just upset. We thank you for your patience.
The Purgatory Administration Council