People really like to complain about the dating culture here as if it’s a uniquely Franciscan problem. This whole discussion about what it means to be standoffish is pointless. Women, they’re supposed to be standoffish. That’s their job. They’re supposed to be up there in their ivory estrogen tower, brushing their hair and singing their ditties, and men are the ones who are supposed to do something about it.
And maybe there have been a fine number of attempts. A lot of you men have really been trying to break that Franciscan stereotype and shoot your shots. I respect it! A couple of you have asked half of the school’s female population out for coffee and nothing’s stuck.
I see how that could be confusing. But boys, listen to me. The problem here isn’t that you aren’t being “intentional” enough. No, your weird social hang-ups are typical for men at your age. Women expect it.
The problem is that they don’t trust your gene pool, and they have no choice but to reject your advances. It’s a bit off-putting, the number of young men who walk around here wearing loose-fitting windbreakers and flaunting pale toes sticking out of their Tevas. Man up! Put on some boots!
Show me a man around here who could pull my family ox cart. That thing is solid cedar wood! No number of Martyrs’ workout nights can convince me that you’d be capable of such a feat!
What’s all this standing around taking hits from berry-flavored e-cigs? You’re weak! Smoke a corncob pipe! I want a man who can singlehandedly raise a barnhouse roof, and 70% of you can’t even call Domino’s without having a nervous breakdown. Oh, sure, you can take my 1 a.m. holy hour this week, but can you take my father’s best farmhand in a mud-wrestling match? No!
Look around, boys. This is a school full of women who want to bear 13 children at least. They want a brood of hardy kinder. I’m of Wisconsin farm stock. Back home, there would be men busting down my father’s door for the chance to ask for my hand in matrimony. Here, I get asked out for a cappuccino. Of course I’m standing off!
I want a man who’s willing to re-establish the patriarchy by force. Don’t get me wrong — I won’t agree with it, but I’d appreciate the enthusiasm. You ever seen “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers”? Yeah? The only problem with that movie is that it’s unrealistic. No Franny man would commit a felony to marry me! He can’t even clarify his feelings for me!
Consider this a call to action. Bulk up, boys. These women are, of course, rejecting the men in scores. Just know that it’s because some of them have strong German farmhands waiting for them back home. Your fancy talk won’t convince me that I’m right for you no matter how mature you are. I’ve got Klaus.