AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE
Televised all across Steubenville, Franciscan University of Steubenville’s first annual “Intenting Award Show” aired live last Saturday to countless cheers, tears and prayers. The “Intenting Award Show” — better known as “The Frannys” — features the most notable intent announcements of the past year, and the competition was certainly fierce. All competitors had to go above and beyond a simple handwritten letter or trail of rose petals and confetti to be considered for the prestigious award.
The winner of the award for the “Most Elaborate” category went to sophomore engineering major Robert Turner. Many may remember the strange lights that have been appearing above campus or the crop circles appearing on the sports fields recently, yet most probably did not know that this was all an elaborate intent scheme.
“It took a lot of effort,” Turner said, “but after about a month, I was able to manufacture a working UFO. Nobody figured out the secret code for a while, but when they did, it was all worth it.” The secret code to which he is referring was a series of letters and numbers inscribed into the crop circles and only visible from satellite imagery.
When questioned, the coordinator of Turner’s household said, “It was kind of awkward at first because he had only been to two commitments and our household requires that you come to three before intenting. Under the circumstances, we were able to work out a deal though! I’m honestly just happy to see Robert win a Franny.”
The next category was “Loudest,” which easily went to junior Mary Edwards. Her intenting plan was nothing notable; however, when her household saw her standing in front of the Steel Cross, they shrieked with an intensity comparable only to a group of banshees being blinded by the sun. The sound waves broke countless windows within a mile radius and was reportedly heard as far east as Robinson Township.
After thanking God, her parents, her eleven siblings, her academic advisor and her cat, Edwards decided to gift the Franny to her household in a heart-warming display of Christian love, saying, “They are the ones who truly earned this, not me.”
Other categories included “Most Symbolic,” “Most Instagram–Worthy” and “Most Exhausting,” the latter of which featured a Great Race-esque international scavenger hunt to gain information on where the intent was hiding, just to figure out that the intent was in the household common room the entire time.
Finally, as the night was coming to a close, the announcers brought out the last category: “Best Overall.” After an excessively long drumroll, it was announced that the award was going to sophomore theology major Henry Gaines for his breathtaking use of bilocation.
“It was really difficult for them to find both of me,” he recalled, “and they were pretty confused the whole time, but I truly think that we all grew a bit closer to God that day.” His outstanding performance notably earned him two Frannys.
Despite the fact that about 60% of Franciscan students join a household, few will ever enter this elite rank of intents. As the event ended, the announcer challenged students to “step up their game” so that they might be considered for next year’s “Intenting Award Show.”