Valentine's Day is dangerous
By Sterling White
Humor Columnist
Thursday, February 18th, 2010
It’s that time
of year again, when some of us remember we actually have a significant
other, and others realize they don’t and slowly work their way
through 16 pints of Ben and Jerry’s while watching "The Notebook"
for the 37th time. Yet, as this Valentine’s Day passed, I had a
revelation: I have no significant other, but I don’t like "The
Notebook" enough to watch it that many times. This left me in a
quandary, and I needed to find something to do with the time that
wouldn’t involve tubs of ice cream. Therefore, I decided to see
what’s with this horrifically color-coordinated day.
What we can see right from the beginning is that Valentine’s Day is designed almost entirely for the girl. Much like a wedding, it’s all about her. The guy fills a specific missing spot on the puzzle, but don’t worry, it’s in the bottom corner so you can still pretty much see the whole picture without him.
I mean, look at this color scheme. Red and pink? It’s like a tea party from my nightmares. You can feel the testosterone being sucked out of men when this day rolls around. Add in flowers, stuffed animals and anything in existence that has ever been called cute with any sincerity, and you have a formula for the most emasculating holiday ever to be forced upon the male sex.
But we put up with it. Why? Easy: Women. We don’t wade through the card aisles that look like someone massacred the Care Bears across the products just because we feel like it. No, we do it because women like it, and there’s no guy with still-firing brain cells that’s going to just ignore Valentine’s Day. That’s a recipe for someone else being massacred (you).
But what does a guy get the girl? Because, despite her saying, “Oh, you don’t need to get me anything for Valentine’s Day,” those few guys with common sense know that’s simply code for “Get me something really amazing or I swear I’ll be getting you flowers … for your grave.” So we trek off to the store to find anything we can bring back while groveling and asking if it pleases our master.
Flowers? Well, these are tricky. Because, despite pink and red being the standards, you can’t just give her flowers. No, that will not please master. No, you had better have them sent by courier service, parachuted into where she works or eats, preferably when every single one of her friends within a 100-mile radius just happens to be near her so they can see that she has the best boyfriend ever and become incredibly jealous. Get it, guys? It’s not about making you just look good. No, the main goal here is to make her friends wish they had you as their own slav … I mean boyfriend, but realize you already have an overlor … girlfriend.
Candy? This one can get real tricky because if you get her really good candy she’s going to point blank ask you if you think she’s fat, and that is the one question that since the time of Adam and Eve has not been able to receive an answer that didn’t have her calling him a liar in response. Ain’t love grand? But if you get her cheap chocolate she’ll point out that she was at the gas station with you when you bought it and she does not accept this as you being more “spontaneous.” You just can’t win, buddy.
Stuffed animal? Now this one should be relatively safe, but don’t be fooled. Despite the soft plushyness (this fictional word has exceeded acceptable standards of cute) of these creations, things can still go horribly wrong. (It is still Valentine’s Day after all.) Remember that she has to keep the stuffed animal afterwards. So if you want to go all out with one of those 9-foot tall teddy bears, she’s going to have to find a spot in her dorm room to put it, and each night she’ll go to bed seeing its shadow in the dark and will wonder if it’s actually moving … and hungry. At least that’s how I see it, but I’m no expert on women. (I am a humor columnist after all.)
So now that you fully understand the ramifications of Valentine’s Day there is only one true alternative: Curl up in a ball and cry. You can’t win any other way. Your only chance now is to look so utterly pitiful that Xena the Warrior Girlfriend has mercy on you, kindly takes your hand and wallet, and points out each item you should buy her. Then you will be safe and poor. And there’s really no better way to end Valentine’s Day.
Have fun, you kids!
What we can see right from the beginning is that Valentine’s Day is designed almost entirely for the girl. Much like a wedding, it’s all about her. The guy fills a specific missing spot on the puzzle, but don’t worry, it’s in the bottom corner so you can still pretty much see the whole picture without him.
I mean, look at this color scheme. Red and pink? It’s like a tea party from my nightmares. You can feel the testosterone being sucked out of men when this day rolls around. Add in flowers, stuffed animals and anything in existence that has ever been called cute with any sincerity, and you have a formula for the most emasculating holiday ever to be forced upon the male sex.
But we put up with it. Why? Easy: Women. We don’t wade through the card aisles that look like someone massacred the Care Bears across the products just because we feel like it. No, we do it because women like it, and there’s no guy with still-firing brain cells that’s going to just ignore Valentine’s Day. That’s a recipe for someone else being massacred (you).
But what does a guy get the girl? Because, despite her saying, “Oh, you don’t need to get me anything for Valentine’s Day,” those few guys with common sense know that’s simply code for “Get me something really amazing or I swear I’ll be getting you flowers … for your grave.” So we trek off to the store to find anything we can bring back while groveling and asking if it pleases our master.
Flowers? Well, these are tricky. Because, despite pink and red being the standards, you can’t just give her flowers. No, that will not please master. No, you had better have them sent by courier service, parachuted into where she works or eats, preferably when every single one of her friends within a 100-mile radius just happens to be near her so they can see that she has the best boyfriend ever and become incredibly jealous. Get it, guys? It’s not about making you just look good. No, the main goal here is to make her friends wish they had you as their own slav … I mean boyfriend, but realize you already have an overlor … girlfriend.
Candy? This one can get real tricky because if you get her really good candy she’s going to point blank ask you if you think she’s fat, and that is the one question that since the time of Adam and Eve has not been able to receive an answer that didn’t have her calling him a liar in response. Ain’t love grand? But if you get her cheap chocolate she’ll point out that she was at the gas station with you when you bought it and she does not accept this as you being more “spontaneous.” You just can’t win, buddy.
Stuffed animal? Now this one should be relatively safe, but don’t be fooled. Despite the soft plushyness (this fictional word has exceeded acceptable standards of cute) of these creations, things can still go horribly wrong. (It is still Valentine’s Day after all.) Remember that she has to keep the stuffed animal afterwards. So if you want to go all out with one of those 9-foot tall teddy bears, she’s going to have to find a spot in her dorm room to put it, and each night she’ll go to bed seeing its shadow in the dark and will wonder if it’s actually moving … and hungry. At least that’s how I see it, but I’m no expert on women. (I am a humor columnist after all.)
So now that you fully understand the ramifications of Valentine’s Day there is only one true alternative: Curl up in a ball and cry. You can’t win any other way. Your only chance now is to look so utterly pitiful that Xena the Warrior Girlfriend has mercy on you, kindly takes your hand and wallet, and points out each item you should buy her. Then you will be safe and poor. And there’s really no better way to end Valentine’s Day.
Have fun, you kids!