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Author: Anonymous

Franciscan student devastated to see her crush on PDP poster

2021-02-11
By: Anonymous
On: February 11, 2021

Anonymous Satire Diners in the cafeteria this past Friday were interrupted by a piercing banshee cry of sorrow from sophomore Marciana McDermott as the very fabric of her romantic situationContinue Reading

Joshua Judges Ruth: Franciscan organizes controversial ‘second coming drill’

2020-11-19
By: Anonymous
On: November 19, 2020

Anonymous Satire In light of this year’s train of unsettling disasters, the Rev. Dave Pivonka, TOR, called for a campus-wide “Parousia Drill,” intending to prepare the student body for theContinue Reading

Joshua Judges Ruth Special Report: ‘Temporary Purgatory’ winning locations announced

2020-11-05
By: Anonymous
On: November 5, 2020

Anonymous Dear Living Reader, Due to overcrowding, we members of the Purgatory Administration Council put out a call earlier this year to find temporary earthly housing for some of theContinue Reading

Joshua Judges Ruth: Biblical study claims Jesus followed Cottagecore aesthetic

2020-10-22
By: Anonymous
On: October 22, 2020

Satire Anonymous A controversial new exegetical study released this week aims to prove that Jesus Christ identified with the “Cottagecore” aesthetic, a fashion and lifestyle subgenre that has recently launchedContinue Reading

“Guest Critic: Shakespeare should not be fun”

2020-10-08
By: Anonymous
On: October 8, 2020

Anonymous Editor’s note: We have foregone our usual print of the News, in favor of presenting to you this guest column, left on the desks of the Troubadour with instructionsContinue Reading

Joshua Judges Ruth: Franciscan student cures COVID-19 by ignoring it entirely

2020-09-24
By: Anonymous
On: September 24, 2020

Anonymous   In a monumental turn of events, a student at Franciscan University of Steubenville has beaten the entire scientific community to finding a cure for the novel coronavirus. TheContinue Reading

Students debate modesty of tight-fitting face masks

2020-09-06
By: Anonymous
On: September 6, 2020

Anonymous Students debate modesty of tight-fitting face masks Proving once and for all that controversy rests for no global crisis, Franciscan University of Steubenville students took to Facebook this ThursdayContinue Reading

Friend With Car has to finish homework, students in turmoil

2020-02-27
By: Anonymous
On: February 27, 2020

AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE A group of freshmen in St. Elizabeth Hall are devastated this week after their friend with a car politely refused to give them a ride to Walmart, sayingContinue Reading

Joshua Judges Ruth: ‘Why No Woman Week?’ – Female students protest inequality

2020-02-07
By: Anonymous
On: February 7, 2020

AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE It began with the propaganda. The small paper signs depicting masculine, bearded faces appeared on the walls of the J.C. Williams Center, boldly announcing an upcoming weekContinue Reading

Joshua Judges Ruth: Students happy to return to sin-free environment

2020-01-25
By: Anonymous
On: January 25, 2020

ANONYMOUS AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE After nearly a month of break, students are expressing their joy as they return to an environment unclouded by the stain of moral depravity.   “Four weeksContinue Reading

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